I think im going to throw up on grandma
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
