Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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