Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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