One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
