**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
