I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
