I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
