I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
