My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
