I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
