I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
