I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
