She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize