No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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