When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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