First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
