Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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