apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
