i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
