Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
