You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
