There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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