Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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