By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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