I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When did angry sex become our thing?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
