I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
