i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
