Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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