5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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