you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you had me at cake vodka
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize