he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
