oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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