she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
