She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
