too bad you live with your parents still
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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