Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
