I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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