Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
