I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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