So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
