I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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