Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
