Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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