I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
