Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
