Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
