how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Randomize