tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
