finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh god it's open bar.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
