I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
