FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
