okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
As shirtless as possible
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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