Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize