there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
