Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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