so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
