My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
